#I CANT even work anywhere because of my freaking mental illness

[imreaallyasorry]

I don’t know if this can be tagged as body horror but just in case snort

[curious-menace]

Can you do headcanons of any Riddler getting cared for and gentle kisses from reader after getting beat up? He needs some loves.

SO I MAY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT MY ULTIMATE FANTASY IS TO GIVE RIDDLER A HUG WITH BACKRUBS AS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS DAY AND I STAND BY THAT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY .

i freaking love this stuff so im going to do all of them mwahahah

post asswoop riddlers getting loves

Arkham riddler

He’s VERY quiet, which knowing him and his inability to stop talking, is  bad news.

I paint arkham riddler as a cry baby and i stand by that. this is the hill i will die on. He’ll have dragged his sorry ass into your apartment or house , dripping blood on your floors but he wont bother calling for you. he’ll just sit at the table with his head in his hands having a lil pity party until you find him.

when you do finally get home, he’ll be looking like a kicked puppy. he’s gotten stuck in his own head, mentally beating himself up even more. he got a fright when you came in because he was so caught up he didn't even hear you at the door.

He’s literally sits there like a child with his arms up for you to come scoop him up. he’s not even sure why his first thought after getting beat up was to come here, he’s probably lead the cops here or something and that was so stupid and- you should probably give him a lil soft smooch on the head to stop him before he goes into a spiral.

he needs more emotional and mental care than physical. Talk to him while you're patching him up. any topic, it doesn't matter just keep him focused on your voice and not the one in his head calling him dumb.

he wont admit he wants to be held and coddled after something like this. get your softest blankie and 2 mugs of coco with marshmallows and just ramble at him. tell him about your day or ask him to explain something boring and complicated so he’s focusing on that rather than how upset he is. let him sit on your lap or between your legs on the sofa and watch how its made or mythbusters or something until he falls asleep. he should be ok again in the morning, he doesnt stay down for long. 

Blacklight Riddler

He’s used to getting his ass kicked, either by batman, the other rogues or once he’s a PI, by unhappy clients and the people he put away. He might be tiny but he’s pretty tough. 

even if he’s really hurting, his probably trying to crack jokes and tell blood and bruise related riddles. He doesn't like to see you worry so even if he’s in a lot of pain or a bit upset about things, he’s trying to make you smile.

he likes kisses on his bruises. even if he just banged his hand on the table he’ll come to you because he wants you to kiss it better. 

He’s a decent fighter, unlike a lot of riddlers who couldnt fight their way out of a paper bag. He can throw punches but he lacks in defence and with his bad knee, dodging can be a little hard. even if he wins the fight he’s still likely to need you to patch him up.

He likes kids plasters. like hello kitty and spongebob. no im not joking, he ALWAYS wanted them when he was little and his parents always said no. now he’s an adult he’s going to use them whenever he damn well pleases.

 if it was a particularly bad one, he’ll be ok in the moment even if he has to go to hospital. But he’s going to drop the facade at some point and let you see how upset he is. winding up in hospital after being beat was a common occurrence in childhood. even after doing it time and time again as an adult it doesn't make it any easier on him. he’ll want to stay in your bed, be close to you for few days until either he starts to heal or something snaps him out of his funk.

BTAS Riddler

he really prefers other people to do the fighting for him. well physically anyway. he can handle his own arguments...most of the time. He’s going to need you to nurse a bruised ego more than anything. he probably got dunked on my batman or crane and now he’s huffing.

i don't know if this counts as care and kisses but he clearly needs you around to keep his sorry ass alive. he hurt his side in a fight once and said he wasn't hurt. believable... until he started to act a little confused, a little dizzy. needless to say it worried you enough to take him to emergency care. 

He was obviously in agony by now but he was still fighting with you the entire drive there, insulting you and insisting he was fine. its a good job you took him when he did, turns out he’d ruptured his spleen and would probably be dead if you weren’t around to act like his common sense.

he still hasnt apologised for that. or any of the other times you insisted on medical care to stop him from pushing up daisies. he just pretends like you know he’s grateful so he doenst have to admit he’s bullheaded, stubborn and worst of all, wrong. 

if he has been seriously hurt, he acts more indignant about it than anything. he wants to be waited on and pampered while resting in bed. he can be a genuine pain to deal with, talking about how lucky you are to see him in such a vulnerable state and how you should be grateful he’s letting you do this for him.

He doesn't want to admit how much he actually needs you. his goons wont put up with him when he’s like this and he’s freaking paying them to do it. you do it for free and no matter how annoying he is you havent left him yet. he doesn't tell you but youve noticed he starts getting you more gifts about a week after he’s recovered. like its taken him a day or two to work out he should probably thank you for all you do.

Original Riddler

this riddler is just weird. like he gets a freaking hang nail and he pretends like he’s dying. but he could nearly lose a limb and he’ll say “tis but a scratch” and still try to hobble about like nothing is wrong.

actually he’s more like olaf “oh look i've been impaled.”. he probably tries to laugh off life threatening injuries like its nothing, taking maybe 3 steps before he collapses on his face in a blood puddle and lets out a tiny “help”

good luck moving his tall lanky ass around. better get a gurney and maybe those vets at the zoo who deal with giraffes. seriously if you want to take care of him you are going to need help or some sort of action plan and a go bag because with his limp butt this will not be easy.

he’s kinda like BTAS riddler in that he needs you to tell him the injury is serious. hes not dumb he just has a high pain threshold and genuinely doesn't realise that injuries are as bad as they are. 

he can be a bit of a baby while being patched up. he doesn't like a lot of blood or gore, it makes him feel a little sicky. better give him your phone to play with like a kid at the doctors or put the tv on for him to watch while you bandage  him. word of warning, he will pass out or throw up if you try to give him stitches.

i think you should focus your love and attention on him AFTER medical care. just focus on the job, be silent and as fast as possible to get it over with quickly. you should probably bring him something sweet too. no not just you, although you are sweet for looking after him. give him something sugary because he’s going to be light headed after seeing any blood. maybe you could give him a lolly for being a good patient. 

Telltale riddler

this riddler is essentially a metahuman. he can REALLY take a beating and bounce back fairly quickly. just look how many times batman punched him in the face and it barely stunned him! he doesnt usually need patched up after a fight. maybe just a lil smooch and some hugs

he did really need your help after the whole pact thing. having his friends abandon him hurt like hell, more than any physical injury ever could.

after that, he clings to you. almost obsessively so; we know he’s got some serious mental illnesses but he usually has the worst of it under control, even without meds. now? it seems like he’s experiencing ptsd and is afraid to go anywhere without you, like you might up and disappear if you arent in his line of sight at all times.

i think this riddler might need the most intense care from you. hugs and gentle reassurance wont be enough. you’re going to be responsible for taking him to therapy, keeping him taking his meds and grounding him to reality. this is the kind of responsibility you took on when you got involved with him but i doubt you realised how hard it would be. i cant promise it will all be worth it but i can promise he wont ever forget your kindness.

the kind of care he needs after such a hard knocking down is just stability. im not one for romance or any mushy gushy stuff but please just pour your love into the cracks in this poor mans soul.

its hard going, but he has his moments. his gallows sense of humor is still there and hey, after him being in and out and gone for so long, it might be nice to have him around more.  

Zero year riddler

INSUFFERABLE LITTLE SHIT THIS ONE. he could LITERALLY be bleeding out in your arms and he’d STILL be backseat driving on your medical skills. the temptation to just leave him there to bleed is INCREDIBLE.

he’ll drop the act eventually. he’ll ask and maybe even beg for your help. man has  no shame and all the self preservation instincts of a lemming. dont get me wrong, he can be a total coward some times, only looking out for himself . but when he’s actually hurt ? not a fuckin clue. does this head wound need an ice pack or heat pack? is this spurring blood wound worthy of medical care? no idea. he was a very sheltered child who never got so much as a bruise so he has no idea what to do when he’s hurt.

he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him on a clockwork basis. like you could hear knocking on your door at 3 am and already be at the table with a first aid kit like oh its tuesday riddler must have broken his nose.

he takes entirely too much joy in making you patch him up. youre starting to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose just to see you in your little apron and latex gloves . he’s getting off on this and you know it but god help you, you just  cant resist his dumb face asking for your help and would you also wear this pink nurses outfit while youre at it?

one time he lost a LOT of blood. he would be fine but he was pretty damn loopy from lightheadedness. while you were trying to get him into bed to rest he started flirting with you. can you believe the audacity? he’s lost 3 pints of blood and he’s still more focus on his libido? 

he’s actually going to be both humble and grateful for your help when he finally comes round. dont get me wrong, he’s still a bit of a prick but at least he says thank you for saving him before he demands you kiss all his booboos and ouchies. 

nonnie i am having a stroke. i was trying SO hard to just pick one but i COULDNT because i am WEAK for hurt and comfort.

theres a reason i have a tag that literally says “i have naughty hands and no self control”

someone needs to stage an intervention

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm! im always game to talk about our favorite curious menace 💚💜

[carternate]

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

[low-budget-mulan]

Hi! How often do you run into psychiatric patients during work as an EMT? I'm doing psych right now and we had a 12 yo girl whose mom had her in porn at 6mo-9mo and I just want to scream at 1. these people who are pro-porn and 2. the mom is clearly mentally ill, but still what the effffff. So how do you deal with these patients?

I'm going to start this off by saying that those parents should be reported to CPS. That is absolutely disgusting and I would not let those monsters anywhere near a child. If you have not contacted the proper authorities yet then please do so now because their child (children?) Are being abused and absolutely nobody deserves that. Especially an innocent child. If you have actual evidence of the abuse and the evil things that the parent did then those kids should be taken away and locked up never to see the light of day again. Pieces of shit.

We run into psych patients on the regular. Whether it is a person who is having a psychotic episode, a person who is suicidal, a person who cant take care of him/herself, or a person who just has some sort of addiction where they are self medicating to forget about their problems (either drugs or alcohol. Sometimes both). It is all part of the job. Each patient is different. I've had psych patients who wanted complete silence. I've had psych patients threaten to harm/murder/rape me. Hell, just a couple days ago one tried to attack me in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I've had psych patients who just wanted someone to talk to. And I've had psych patients that I didnt even realize were potential psych patients until after the call was over. You have to be able to assess the situation and from there you can move forward in patient care. I'll give you a couple examples of times situations were handled well and times they were not and how I decided to act/treat my patient.

1.)

We had a 911 call for a behavioral overdose. Sheriffs were already on scene (good). We get there to find a high school aged girl. She was alert and oriented (AO). Her whole family was around plus the sheriffs, plus the fire engine, plus the fire medics, plus me and my partner. There were too many people. We are trying to talk to our patient and figure out the whole story but she isnt really talking. I turn to the fire medic (they technically are in charge of medical calls, so what they say goes even if it's wrong and stupid) and say let's get her loaded up and he agrees. We walk her to the gurney and load her into the ambulance. Typically we allow one family member/friend to ride along with a patient especially if the patient is a minor. Unless the patient is a psych patient. And heres why. Once the girl was in the back of the ambulance and away from the hoards of people she started answering our questions. She told us everything that happened leading up to this point and why she did it and how she was feeling. I gained her trust by talking to her and separating her from what was causing her anxiety and other feelings that werent good. During the transport I realized she just needed to be distracted. I was monitoring her closely with the medic and got all the medical information I needed. So we just talked about school and plans for college. We talked about her favorite tv shows and how I spelled my name wrong for 13 years. That's all she needed. But not everyone needs that. This is an example of a good call.

2.)

I will start this off by saying I can be sarcastic. Which is not always a good thing. Okay so. This was a transfer call for a man on a legal hold. We were taking him from an emergency room to an actual psych facility where the remainder of his hold would be carried out. This guy was extremely tall like over 6 feet and used to be in the military and still worked out a ton so he was pretty muscular. I just so happened to be driving this day. While my partner was getting his report I went to go get a set of vitals to make sure he was stable and nothing was wrong. Before I can even get them this dude is making all sorts of racist remarks and how he doesnt want to go to whatever psych hospital we are taking him to because "its associated with a certain kind of people if you know what I mean." Then goes on to say hes not going (which tbh if you're on a hold it doesnt matter if you want to go or not. You have to go until you are psychologically cleared). I explained that because he was on a hold he had to go and I wasnt the one who set up the transfer. I literally am just the driver and I go where my dispatch sends me. He then responds with "well what if I fight you" I realize I wasnt going to get my vitals and that this guy was going to be a problem. I walk over to my partner and tell him what's going on and that we need to use restraints (which I rarely use because who wants to be restrained?). At this point we now have sheriffs there to help us get the guy on our gurney and to protect us if this guy freaks out. We get him on our gurney and I put the restraints on. After putting on restraints you have to check for a pulse in the extremity and make sure they can still wiggle their fingers/toes. So I ask him to wiggle his fingers and he flips me off. Me being the sarcastic person I am and without thinking I responded with "oh thanks. I havent had that in a while. Could I get another?" The dude then threatens to rape me and becomes very agitated. I messed up. We de-escalated the situation thank goodness. But I could have handled that situation better. I knew he was already agitated and a dumb comment like that could have easily been the breaking point for him. Dont do something stupid like that.

3.)

We had a transfer for a woman who was on a hold. This was out of one of the worst hospitals I know. Literally the hospital that killed my grandpa. I already hated being there, but how the staff treats patients both medically and professionally (if you can even call it that) was absolute shit. I hated this hospital even before my grandpa was a patient there because of how incompetent and rude the staff was. Sorry I got distracted and ranted, but the backstory is relevant. I go to try and get a report from the nurse who knows absolutely nothing about this patient. Cant give me any history. Doesnt know what meds (if any) were even given. And gets annoyed when I ask for an actual report. Not just the "oh yes that lady is on a hold. She can talk but is being selectively mute. And you're taking her to this place. K bye." At this point I realize I'm going to get nothing from this 'nurse' and I just look through the packet. I go over to the patient who is just sitting there on the bed staring off into thin air. I realized that any loud noise or sudden movement scares her. So I slowly inch my way to her and introduce myself. I tell her I'm there to take her to a different hospital where the staff will be able to take care of her better and where she can get the help she needs. In that whole interaction I got her to say maybe a couple words. And they were basically what's going on. I realized the staff at this shit hospital did not tell her what was happening. Nobody told her she was being transferred. They literally just left her to sit in her own feces because they couldnt be bothered to do their job. Before I even touched her I told her everything that would happen. I walked her through the entire transfer process and let her know what was going on. Then once we were ready to actually start getting her onto our gurney before I made any movement I told her exactly what I was doing. She was completely fine with me. Once we get her to the psych place we finish up our transport and are about to leave she grabs my partners hand says "are they going to be nice and take care of me here?" My heart broke. I told her that yes she would be taken care of and that she wouldnt be ignored here as I know this hospital has great staff. She smiled and let us go.

By assessing the situations and the patients you are able to figure out how to handle your patient. Ive learned from my mistakes and I've learned from my coworkers who have been around longer than me. But always be cautious as a patients mood can change at any time. Even if you dont do anything to trigger it. A patient will go from happy and smiling to trying to punch you in the face. Know your surroundings. Be ready to react because things can change in an instant.

Addition: any sort of illegal activity I will report to the proper authorities. I have reported hospitals, families, and nursing home for neglect and other forms of abuse. If you are sure then ask someone who knows more. I usually ask the supervisor I trust or my coworker who's been doing this for 20 years.

[pavlovers]

blossom, blush, breeze, bright, cuddly, daisies, precious, smile, starlight, thimble, wispy

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

book: for sure the great gatsby! almost every sentence in it is just gorgeous and it’s consistently been a book i feel like i can always come back to and gain something completely new out of it. 

movie: hmm this is a bit hard because i dont watch movies all that often and i even more rarely rewatch movies. but off the top of my head, heathers (1988), my own private idaho (1991), mysterious skin (2004), pan’s labyrinth (2006), and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004) are all insanely good. oh and yesterday i actually did end up rewatching a movie (better off dead (1985)) with my friend and like,,, that movie is so stupid its borderline amazing. and oh of course i cant not mention paddington 2!!! unironically though that movie is so sweet and wonderful  :-)

song: lately tbh i have only been finding myself listening to various neil ciceirega mashups but yeah “rollercloser” (which is a mashup of the ohio players’ love rollercoaster and nin’s closer) is just,, it works too well. who allowed it to be that good?!

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

honestly from what i can remember and the very few anecdotes my parents have told me about my behavior as a small child i dont think there was ever a stuffed animal that i had a really strong bond to. not that i had that many anyways, but i still remember some of the ones i did have. i had a teddy bear with a little red shirt that said “hope” on it, a plush of the bear from bear in the big blue house, and a care bear plush (idk of which one since i never watched the care bears as a child but im p sure it was the pink one?). also idk if it counts but i also had a panda pillowpet.  

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

either playing the game of life with my friends during indoor recess or playing tag with my friends at,, (normal?) recess. elementary school for the most part was alright. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?

while i greatly admire the concept of luring sailors to their death via song, i think im gonna go with fairies. being tiny, having wings, living in the woods and causing mischief sounds v rad to me. 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

musically & aesthetically im gonna go with late 70s/early 80s. fashion-wise ill say the late 60s/most of the 19th century (referring to men’s fashion of course). 

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

3 days ago when i was at an orchard w my dad snatching up as many ripe peaches as we could from this peach grove even though the orchard specifically said that they were only selling blueberries and raspberries for the time being. it was just 5-10 min of my grubby little hands going ham. the cashier was very nice about it though and let us buy the peaches. 

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

that i owe a lot more to myself than i do to others. and that receiving assistance from others is ok! and essential sometimes. 

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

this might be a very obvious answer but well, the internet. i mean it’s shaped my tastes in art/entertainment, my politics (for the most part), my views on myself and my mental illness, and countless more aspects of my personality. its probably the single most formative part of my life (as im sure it is for most people nowadays) besides yknow my family life. and school. 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

kim possible, wizards of waverly place, danny phantom, the emperor’s new school, etc. 

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

theres some aspects of my dad that i really admire. hes definitely not perfect but he really is hardworking and motivated when it comes to his career and completing adult responsibilities in general. and hes also great at talking me down and explaining things to me in a calm, rational manner whenever i happen to get terribly anxious about anything. my friend grace, even though she’s a year younger than me, is also just,, a huge blessing. she’s a big idealist and amazing at so many things??? (writing, drawing, straight As, soccer, violin & piano). and shes also so empathetic and has the biggest heart, and has given me so many pep talks whenever i happen to be freaking out about anything school-related. 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

i am perhaps biased because my childhood was and has not been the best but yeah i am not my hometown’s biggest fan. its most likely due to the fact that most people who live in my town are quite old and as a result there’s not a lot of spots for people my age to like,, hang out/meet up at, or really that many places where you can just enjoy yourself, so i dont really go out all that much. and personally i find living in such a sprawling suburb where its basically impossible to go anywhere without a car to be kinda suffocating. so yeah im not planning on staying here for long, but mostly because i feel that i badly need the fresh start. 

[chainsawb0y]

catch me giving up on absolutely everything because i know im not good enough, will never be good enough and will never get anywhere like anyone else so i might as well just kms lmao liiiiikkkeee!!!!! NOBODY !!! IRL!!! WOULD CARE !!!! im just some annoying fucking baby that was always unstable and nobody wanted to hang out with because they were “”””””””””””””””weiird”””””””””””””””” and literally everyone went out of their way to just not talk to me or fucking even bother with me !!!!! like honestly why are we kidding ourselves???? im an awful fucking idiot, obviously !! an absolute freak who nobody wants to talk to or be near in some kind of deep seated fear that i’ll make you mentally ill too or something !!!!!!!!!! i dont know why people fucking avoid me but they do !!!!!!!!!! im just going to be “ that weird person nobody likes or talks to” literally forever and i dont think anyone understands how badly all this shit affects me because its literally ruining my life!!!!!!!!!!! i want to fucking die because i cant work like everyone else can!! i want to fucking kill myself because i know i’ll never really be a functioning member of society like everyone else !! why should i be remembered when i can be avoided and forgotten about just as fast!!! WHATS THE FUCKING POINT??????????????????????????? 

me, making this post: maybe someone i know irl will reach out to me and help me me, knowing that will honestly never actually happen because its much easier to just scroll past and hope its getting better instead of actually doing anything and that’s always been the case: : )

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[abigballofwibblywobblyconfusion]

i want to SCREAM but I don't wanna freak out my family. i can't to have an apartment all my own, without roommates or family or anyone to see me. somewhere i can just exist without worrying about anyone else. i keep thinking about how i'm going to move back out of the city when i graduate in a few months and how much i'm going to miss it. i can't even spend these last months enjoying the city and making sure to take in as much as i can, because of the pandemic. it'll still be here when everything's over, of course. it's not going anywhere. but will it still belong to me then? i'll live with my parents again. my room will belong to me technically, but not really. i guess even an apartment wouldn't really be mine. i guess what i want is my own house. a cat, a child, maybe a spouse, so i can have a little family in there. it'd be too big for me otherwise. and we can listen to music together, watch movies, read stories. we'll have so much fun together, i hope. i hope i dont have to work so much that we can't spend time together. in the end so much of what's in my way is capitalism. capitalism and my own mental illness. both insurmountable. i can manage my brain with treatment, but i'll never stop being depressed. i'll work really hard to stay afloat, but i will always have to work because of the economic system we have. i love my work, but i wish i could devote my life to my family. i think Amanda scared me. she always talked so much about never having time to manage everything. i want to teach AND i want to have time for my child or children. and if i have to make a choice, it'll have to be work, because i can't feed my child with how much i love them. i can't NOT have a kid though. my greatest dream in life. but what if i don't have enough time for them? what if i can't love them enough? what if they're not happy?? i can't have a child and not ensure their happiness. i don't know how i'm going to do it all. it's not that much, i know. everyone has a job and children. i guess if i were guaranteed a partner, it wouldn't seem so daunting. i really don't expect to have one though. i want someone to be there with me, but i cant plan that. i'll fall in love with someone or i won't. and it will work out or it won't. and either way i have to get on with the rest of my life. i wish good things weren't so frightening not to have

[runsonsweetpotato]

race: dirty kanza 200

the race we set out to do.

in november of 2016, 7 women decided we would race dirty kanza on single speeds. in previous years, the ss womens category was non-existent due to “low registration”. this year, they said they needed 8 to create a separate category, so gabbi and allison got to work recruiting women with a simple facebook post. and it worked. (note: this isn’t to be taken lightly. allison is such a big part of why this all happened. she is, as the #200women200miles roundtable put it, a true community leader. no lie.)

for the next 5 months we rode. we rode in chicago and the driftless and at landrun, and hellkaat hundie, and the epic. we had meetings to arrange support crews and plans. we made bandanas to raise money and threw a party to do the same. we ate so many tacos and too many gummy bears (sike u cant eat too many gummy bears). we spent almost every weekend riding together. and when we weren’t riding together, we sure as heck were thinking about it. quickly, we became very good friends.

wednesday before the race our fellow comrade chris drove to chicago in his gleaming white vw eurovan to act as our support crew. chris sent numerous detailed spreadsheets for us to fill out and has an insane breadth of knowledge that makes him not only inspiring to be around, but the perfect guy for the job.

we left out early thursday morning for emporia, ks with 4 comrades and 4 bikes tetris-ed into the eurovan. the drive was easy. we picked up my mom, wanda, in kansas city, mo to act as the other member of our support crew. the team was assembled.

friday was filled with course recon and prep for the big race. some highlights include:

1 a jeep painted like the jurassic park jeep with an adorable dog (we nicknamed her clever girl) parked outside a family video (people still rent movies!)

2 dozens of swallow nests under the interstate bridge. they swooped and flew all around

3 the #200women200miles roundtable. made up of 6 super strong women who had conquered kanza in the past. they gave advice for women and men alike. the thing that stayed top of mind was “no matter how you’re feeling (good OR bad), it wont last”. hopefully ill make another post about that...

friday night we packed our vans (sweet potato tacos, check). laid out or clothes (shorts and jersey, check. no need for warm layers, we finally made it!). and said goodnight. [photo: bailey newbery]

3:50am and we are walking to the dining hall for breakfast. i saw lauren and elizabeth already there and sat down with them. kayci soon followed. oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, banana. 5:00am we are at the start line. i had another cup of coffee and anxiously waited. it was a beautiful day. the sky was a rich pastel and folks spirits were like fireflies.

at 6:00am “3...2...1...GO!” at that moment “roll out” by ludacris blasted over the speakers. sidenote: the morning of landrun, jen and sean woke our room up with this song. it was fuel throughout landrun and it was certainly a major hype up at dk. cocked back...

the first 50 miles were fast. i tried to stay on pace with the field, losing folks on the flats and gaining spots on the hills. there was a pretty rock section about 20 miles in and *gong* - rim slap. i pulled over and changed my front flat. kayci, elizabeth, mary and kelsey, and lauren all rolled by. each calling out with a “u good?!”. dang they are awesome.

okay. flat fixed, got rolling. 5 miles later *gong* - another rim slap. from rim again. damnit i thought. i fixed the flat, and, knowing that i had no more tubes in my bag, looked back at the spot where it happened. i watched rider after rider hopping a little over the jagged edge. right. okay. time to jump shit.

rolled into the first checkpoint and chris, brandon, and ma were setup in plain sight. they lubed my chain, gave me a couple more tubes. swapped my water bottles and asked one simple question “who believes in you?!” - “dinosaurs!!!!” and then i busted out. [photo: gravel guru]

i knew i had to make up time so i was spinning fast. save for another flat (this time rear), the second 50 miles went pretty quickly. it was punctuated by a climb around mile 70 called ‘the bitch’. we approached the climb and the group of men in front of me spun up. they looked like they would climb, but abruptly stopped. “cmon guys!” i yelled. i steered around them and continued to weave my way up the hill. once they all realized i was on a single speed they were yelling and encouraging me like hell. how freaking cool. this is why the heck gravel is the best.

at the second checkpoint, kayci and brandon both recommended i raise my tire pressure. this was the best advice in the world as i didnt get another flat the whole race. i ate a sandwich, stretched my back, and put in my headphones for some music time. big mistake. [thats chris, brandon, and my mom, wanda]

the third leg was 60 miles and was the hardest riding has ever felt. the music began to freak me out because i couldnt hear my bike. i had to turn it off and just relax. after that, some extremely low mental lows and super high mental deliriums happened. i talked to cows and to myself and to a few other riders. i sang aloud and laughed at god knows what and let my mind go free. lol. that final checkpoint was more than welcomed. less than 50 miles to go.

at the last stop i ate and had a tiny coke and a cold brew coffee. i was feeling amped and super capable. i wanted to make up more ground. i tore out of the check point and passed a screaming bobby wintle “GO GET IT”... “hell yea”.

the last segment went fast. the most notable part was a bit of mind tricks. i was convinced that my legs no longer belonged to me, they belonged to the land. i had no control over how they felt and so i just let them go back into the dirt. this proved to be very useful - it gave me a sense of freedom for having to think about the job that still had to be done. with about 6 miles to go, i saw the “EMPORIA” watertower. my eyes welled with tears. i choked them back, convincing myself they would waste energy. the final climb, weaving through emporia state campus, and then there was the finish chute. i could not hold the tears anymore. i cried and sprinted as hard as i could.

i made it. WE made it. allison was there to greet me. we hugged and she told me she got third! i hugged her harder. even more hugs came in and, best, a hug from my mom. she was the best support i could have asked for. and (keep it secret) she wants to do the 25 mile kanza next year. *he he he...*

the rest of the ladies rolled in - kayci, kelsey and mary, lauren, and elizabeth. WE ALL FINISHED. 207 freaking miles. it’s indescribable that feeling. the feeling of knowing that the women in front of you have poured their hearts into something, and then achieved it. they are strong and beautiful. they are persistent and giving. lucky does not begin to describe how i feel to be a part of it all.

this race has not been a race against each other or even the clock, but against ourselves. to see how strong our minds and bodies are, and where they can take us. the answer is undoubtedly, anywhere.

finish: 5th place single speed women (15hours 03minutes)

[ch99rry]

nnnn i need to put my thoughts down somewhere

im gonna be a junior soon, and its freaking me the fuck out.... like i didnt get SHIT done in my first two years of uni.... i mean im on track to graduate in four years but like.... i have my eyes set on going to grad school for psych and that means i need to do internships, undergrad research, keep my gpa up, take standardized tests, LOOK FOR GRAD PROGRAMS, and its stressing me out so much..... its just making me mad at myself for not doing anything earlier.... but then again, i also just declared my psych major at the end of my freshman year, and i just decided i wanted to go to grad school for psych last fall....

i just feel like im no good at trying to make connections with my professors.... i know i should be going to their office hours and talking to them outside of class but like...... its so hard lmao..... i only rlly started trying to do it in the last couple of weeks of the semester with only ONE of my profs.... 

like im actually scared that im not going to go anywhere i want to go for grad school and that i’ll be stuck with having to go to one of my fall back schools like i did for undergrad.... i have my eyes set on uc berkeley’s clinical science program but like.... will i even be a strong enough applicant? will i accomplish enough in the next two years to even be considered?

i hate this so much.... i hate that i have to rush into my future, into being an adult.... i hate that i cant take my time to think things through properly, or to even have more than one chance at grad school bc if i dont get into grad school here, then what am i going to do? i hate that i have to waste my life working, worrying, trying to do everything i can in so much uncertainty about the future of education, of the world, of just everything.... where will america be in one, two years time? will i graduate into a recession? will i have enough money to support going to grad school and my basic necessities? i wanna study abroad and i wanna study at a good uni, but money and whether or not my application can even stand out is much of a problem. ESPECIALLY MONEY. i cant go to a uni on the east coast or a uni in canada or a uni in LA because i probably wont have the money to survive over there.... and on top of that its so expensive to just apply to grad programs... paying for the GRE, for my transcripts to be sent, for applications.... its all so stupid....

i wish i didnt have to spend my twenties like this.... i wish i could spend them reclaiming the childhood i lost due to mental illness... i wish i could spend them recovering from the years i spent hating myself....

idk i feel like if i could just somehow get into a professor’s lab next semester, i’ll feel so much better about my future.... but ahjklglksdhg I SUCK AT TALKING TO PROFS

[strawberryspeachy]

Idk who else does this. I assume im not the only one but it makes it impossible for me to console with my friends and family about one another. More so - my family.

I bitch about my family a lot on here. In depth stories and how theyve fucked me up mentally. My family is not full of the worst people. Theyre all very well liked out in the world - im actually the only unpopular one. But my family acts so different around each other vs with strangers. They all refuse to think about the fact that all of us probably do that and ... well anyway. I can never go to my family and tell them about something that happened out in the world because while they might comfort me initially while im mortified - a couple weeks later theyll use it as ammunition against me

My aunt told me before i went to college that i was the worst person to live with and that im a selfish conceited bitch and ill never be friends with my roommates because i overreact and freak out all the time

So heres the thing

She was right. All that did happen. And with her - what she said was true. But idk why it happened in college and with my roommates because i act completely different with people who arent my family. Below

My family doesnt hear me when i talk in a regular tone of voice, theyll even pretend im not talking. I have to scream to get their attention - and then oh boy do i get it.

But i dont scream with anyone else. In fact i very conciously get quieter. I speak slower and deeper and quieter. My pitch changes with my feelings as i talk and my upset pitch combined with my naturally carrying voice is distinct. But its not yelling/screaming

When my family picks a fight with me i already know whats going on. I know why theyre mad and who they are. I have no questions as to why theyre fighting with me (except that time a couple months ago with my grandfather) my family starts calling me names and degrading me. Honestly. I might say bitch or asshole, but ive never been a fan of the - im gonna cut you down because im mad thing - i always just kinda cry and tell them to stop (except my mother who i started doing it to to get a point accross to her that its not cool - didnt work) hm... actually i have nothing to note here. This is when i start reciting what actions and words the person calling me ‘lazy’ or whatever has done/said that make me do the things—— like if a family member tells me a lazy and never help them - ill bring up the last five times i tried to help them and instead of thanked i got told i did it all wrong or that they told me to leave them alone or whatever. I have a super good memory for the things people have said to me and can recite their quotes back at them. That really pisses people off for some reason. —- but friends and strangers too. They might tell me off for only contacting them when i need something. To which ill literally pull out my phone and show them all of the texts ive asked them that are me just wondering about their lite that have gone unanswered. That theyve only answered the ones where ive asked a favor.

So idk with that one

But heres a third. I said i know my family. I know their intentions and who they are. I dont ask them why theyre doing things. When we get in a fight because they did something shitty i tell them to stop. I do the crappy thing where im like ‘you always do/say this when blank happens and i cant handle it. You need to take a step back and figure out why you always react this way’ but with other people - i dont understand them. When they hurt me i tell them “to me it seemsss like youre doing blank. Am i understanding this correctly? If i am why are you doing it?”

See what i mean here. So if i to to my family like. Why do people hate me theyre like - cause you assume you know people but you dont. Where as the other people are like ‘stop asking me why - you dont need to know!’

It really doesnt personally get me anywhere. My family thinks im a dickhead and everyone else ... idk to my family i scream and im accusational and i drudge up the past (to them 2 weeks ago is the past - theyve totally changed)

To my family when they wont do what i ask i throw a tempertantrum. To everyone else i ask a bunch of questions and then pull away. Pull away might sound like im ignoring them but with everyone i talk to im always the one to start and keep conversations going. I just stop starting them for a little bit till im dont being upset with them (normally its from them making me a promise and then breaking it)

So yea. I have no point with this other than to say - i cant go to my family unit and ask what the fuck is wrong with me. Cause. So many things in their eyes. I am a massive peace of shit. But also in their eyes - its kinda ok cause my entire family is a massive peace of shit snd we just kinda coexist in this obligation to talk and exchange gifts and pleasantries from time to time

But like in college when i thought id gotten over my depression and it came back and i shared my thoughts woth my college friends - one of them told me i cant tell them that stuff. That i need to go talk to my family about my personal problems. And i was like well fuck.. you’re probably probably right and im a social fuckup possibly because i cant do that

[jayundergod-blog]

Ultimate fear to me.

Say ive smoked some marijuana and im those thinker type when i smoke the chiba. Well suddenly im surrounded by only those bearing tone of demons prophane barbaroc behaviors. I dobt want to go to hell, and this fleshed out before my eyes is the nature of my worst fear. I am not only God Fearing, but damn nervous because Ive nearly awakened what I call the real me, an innervoice guiding. And i have begun eliminating distraction. I have cleared my thoughts and sight of many distractions. And have started to have a certain space for any almost all items under my use amd home. One thing that adds to another frustratoon os not remembering drawers or table or nooks random/common items did put that buisness card? Or it could just be a real pressue on moment and those 3 like mechanical reaches with your hands and ready to go in 5 seconds. I am comparing this new day 1 moment for me to Change from within. In order to make positive impact on future sitiations and various choices given, I have to jump way out of familiarity. I dont know how to make a friend where drugs and alcohol arent at least in the introductio. Its been over 20 years outside of my sponsor in an AA run since I have made any friends outaide of Getwasted Land. And its alnost like some of these people down here might be animated workers of a divine purpose. . Another reason my greatest fear revolves around Hell is Part A: my consistence in screwing up my life and Part B: randomly manipulating in or believing the reason for myaelf that My heart is attatched the right way, I believe God intended to place a mountain of pain shame and addiction and pride, occourances 1 after another saying put down the beer weed dream. Its not working. Test? bad test? CRASH collisions. wrecks.. Sexual imoralities that put me in only tighter, I like to think of as an irrational coat of shame. Switching schools over 20 times social bonding just seemed to naturally wade into the wastelabds. It was cool to say **** things, skip class and sneak a J. So still part B: reason for my greatest fear sometimes i worry my desire to fight evil with fire kind of mentality of a grey angel badass has to often and with any levels of sincerity been ... non supportive of God, and a compmete self failure. I am a highly successful failure. The tides of life had been decided to ensure have a livable income for life. All my lab blood tests come back good. Inspite of ludacrouis unprotected promiscuity and abusing chemicals alcohol included at very high danger quantities and lengths of time. To paranoid to bruah my teeth, and involved with the addict community they really do mess with my toothbrush when i let them know they can not live in my spare room area or you've got to go period. So the balance of pride and shame are big with me. Im simply putting it this way. I am very smart. Like, words don't automatically limit my perception and i discover ideas, inventions, ways to improve systems namely in buisnesses etc. But i believe i may have discovered a few awarnesses in the light of creation that had been considered. And i flow with innovation so much i didnt even write inventions down anymore. But im starting too now. I dont know if tbere is evil in my motives to understand, and my motive to protect the earth with my creative discoveries within the gift of life here. Glory all goes to God. And i feel pride and shame when i point something out like "this motivated by my naturally good heart amd my true self is a divine discovery. I am probably the first to say Ive beaten Lucifar hands down on 3 areas very simple. 1: there is guarenteed 1% of love within this entitty from the bible, And Lucifer is afraid of this within himself. He fears the capacity in his heart. Lucifer fears himself. And that tiny igmored reality of love is capable of seeking forgiveness and apologizing to his creator. Yea i could be nuts but 2: humans, generally any life form brought into light given the breath of life to seek the water of life, are conditioned, refined, we are born with lack of understanding and in time develop sincere amd forced pursuit of underatanding. I take it Lucifer just suddenly came into light an angel with uncomparable tangible working knowledge with math, music, stars, and whatever elae. Put Satan up against a regular devloped human and there is much to gain from the journey in being. Where satan just woke up with his bed made and an attitude similar to mine perhaps. "This can be better". Is where i stop the line. I assume God ridicule came from the statue with emotions and knowledge. Who should be a professilnal liar if he believes himself that his strength and power are not extensioms of God to begin with. Have to be a wicked bad liar to claim pride and ownership of anything whatsoever under the light. And finally 3 i feel im going to remember the 3rd way I checked the scariest guy in hell. But yeah no? assuming the story true, wouldnt the capacity in hiz heart be to close to deny and create fear and the most depressing "what am i going to wear today" moments? Before showing the tear in his eyes emotions. this waa a really long stretch of a first blog in life. Im considering Blog 2 to be straight down to the knit. My **** and my luster. None of you will likely know me so ill drop down my guard and even get into the pride/shame like. yes i was on that crack like they were infinity packs and the only translatable view to the edge lf my heart beyond the mountain God may have intended to be in my way. And yes for sure real sexual absurditiesn have been a matter if exploration and i found the most go to being ones least condoned like im straight but a few times on thjs other drug, the only reaskn the drug would be any jse to me if I went straight tranny freakazoid fk or even longer than 12 straight ( kind of) hours. I made a bjg ordeal of it too because i live in comparing to a waizt to shoulder hi body of water like fear. Im always nearly always in fear of something. Even if its just in a house all alone I am watching my tone and volume to not disturb the entity or embarrass myself. And theres usually a lot of BS running around my zone too. But anywhoo, scared of the SwaT teams and demons in a hotel, after the first usual 3 hours of eyes attatched to all directions i can notice without moving i said im going to max this **** out right here yeeaaaaa and i was doing poses for the potentials whoever stands at a second floor hotel window for 3 hours. You catch the drift. Sure part of the freaknicity invomved is mentally appealing. Im nkt going to lie. The flesh of a woman looking jedi equipped i mean has to be no sembalance of a male but thats neithr here nor anywhere for me because this isnt like, my hearts reach in any way. Since the last time i freaked off i encountered sexual encounter with an at the time friend lady and then almost a second time with the hottest coat rack breast formation i ever need to remember. Well she pulls out the money for intercourse part and now i am in not only great confliction but with a prepared spirit for the one of the highest priority lessons I could learn or be corrected on. And just then came a foundation of knowledge and vision. Flesh perveree barbaric using eachother like another drug or relieving some pain or just sheer addicted. Ive never had a time i can remember where there is something between us not being impprtant to me in the sack of awesome goods. If there is no relation there to me now more than ever, then jt is absolute perversive use of the flesh and body. I hope i dont get some effect of a born habbit and tranny zerg away my problem and enhanced self confliction. Hey that was mostly because damn new drug new coping mechanisim, and there are countless survielance vultures and sure there are good birds too but ive raised a lot of attention. I just let go on the FBI something about FBIs mom too. And maybe i just want the 3rd particles in good hands but I cant trust a comey supporting organization who are either ignoring the messed up bridge and back up the lies or they are beings without common sense. Plus some other group(s) i may or may not belong too. Im an expert **** up trying to move out of this world vast potential into a framing of the only way i see contributing chance to 5 generations from now to be atleast alive bearably. But no the world unison is buy what they say to buy no matter what healthier and bio friendly lower cost solutions are hidden from us. What would evolve in systems and technologies supressed by our ROTH oppressors fancy dress night club, is probably far beyond any imagination. But we want to say its cool ill stcik with gasine and everything else unto death. Whats a future generaton? I dont see blood on my hands yet. Not my problem. Or worst yet of the whe set is the sad existance of knowing that better is a controlled possibility removed from possibility by a few tactics to keep humans focused on other problems like, never never represent the problem with details about the CIA plane crash bringing cocain into america. Dont put on the news 24,311 bombs were dropped on other countries. Like is it 100s or thousands of oilline breaks per year? Either way they don't want you to see the pentagon lost 6.5 trlion bucks whoops . And tobaccoo being a substantial source of tax revenue. Whatever moneys not the problem here. Its how ks your FDA cool with 6000 known additves to a ciggrrate? and youre good with modified organism (gene manipulated plant life namely fruist and veggiesbyou can claim intellectual rights to tomatoes now by altering its DNA) that most consumers would lome the right to know but man its over with. Im either going to just die one day... Or I'm going to dye knowing i threw down a few sparks that reached a storm the ROTH associates will have to get stepping. Go buy your own planet or island of youre so obsessed with being king lizard man. Destroying the offspring futures chance of a liveable world and potential of decent m humanity instead of 10 billion people having to suddenly adjust with the last forseeable year with petro fuels or stop kilming the world. stop taking more grip over our societies industries and market lkke..... I know allegedly 90% media is slapped into air by atleast 1 out of just 6 mega corps. Sl is that lime our clothes are probably boiked up to ROTH brands? ummmm blog 1 i might S sell have gave an essay i worked on a year in the American college system at the podium with the XYZ or funny stain black shirt liike.... Yea l make this mire worth while and if it fails me or i fail i might even try a second blog life. But i realoze the value in these blogs being revved around free introduction to inventions. All the way up to a new style of buildings. lkke really hard to see as anything but futuristic, easier, and better in at least a few distinct ways. #1 perk of this technology given we are not on unlimited resource world but ements kf the housing structure are intact by such a way that it can be reutilized and ultimately there is potential for a no waste technology that reaches every door in the earth thats been done up the new way. Syria Afghanistan ans in general the countries that had devestated ways of lives of countless individual lkves of family members pretty much need to be rebuilt by this building technogy unseen. And the speed should be quicker as well. blog1 the ramble of death. the simplicity in taking base technology and enhancing them with personal and ho.e life is not only missing from our choices but unbelievable how eaay it would seem to accomplish the evidence of .mmm It only seems impossible because its not on tap at any restaurants we know. Partly why i have arranged a vision of my most hoped for life one without its core an office and a desk but one built from the potentials of imagination. Imagination being in part most crucial in expanding reality. Alright next one will be shorter sweet cut and dry. The facts in my peraonel history. ps im paranoid schizo like pretty much everything frim swat teams, demons, and ritualistic annual sacrifice held secretly in the depth expanse of a tunnelways descendance into reality where only one hope has life, that is Lord God mercy.

[bigbrotherorre]

episode one: “TODAY WE LEARNED UNLESS BRYCE FEELS LIKE THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE DANCE EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY, YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH” - AUTUMN hoh: BRYCE evicted: ROXY - 13 to 3

Okay WOOOO. So hey, I'm here doing a DR pre-season, because? I am cracked, a mess and SOOO EXCITED. Also, I looked up fun words, to find something to use as my confessional codeword, and "brouhaha" means "a noisy and overexcited reaction or response to something" WHICH IS SO APPROPRIATE. So woo, enjoy the brouhaha that is my excitement for this season. I just wanna say a couple of things: 1) Nicholas and Julia posting those clock gifs is gonna make my head fall off, thats so scary. If it means past season twists like someone said in the VL, I'm NERVY. RoseGold POVs are my biggest fear, and I know there was a season where prejury was all about them so YIKES. Calling it now, I'm gonna get sent home by a rosegold PoV. 2) Emily and Lukas was such an iconic F2, no matter whomst the F2 is in Orre, we will never match them 3) I wanna make some pre-season picks of who I expect to see cast, that way if they win, I can take total credit. I'm feeling like Raffy, Sammy and Aren might be in the cast, based on literally nothing khajsdfla. Raffy as a player terrifies me (I was also the person who brought him into this community so whew), but he gets CRACKED so whew! Aren is a scorpio so we stan. ANYWHO. I'm so excited for this season, its gonna be a HOOOOOT.

Wooh so ready for the season to start!!!

Hola, did you miss me? This is going to be me reflecting back on my Johto experience and trying to point out the mistakes I made, and how this game will be different. (this is before cast reveal) The first mistake I did in Johto was go against the premade. I was wary of Connor and Ari, and I thought painting the target on the returnee wouldnt only be easy but would be successful. And then I found out that I couldn't, and then Connor made friends with everybody on my team and fucked me over in the long run. The second mistake I did in Johto was being messy. A prime example was making pseudo "alliance" chats in order to sway the vote for people to keep me. This proved to be unsuccessful. I also had a mental breakdown like every night, so that just buried me more. The third mistake I did in Johto was throw the veto the week I was nominated. I felt like I couldve won it but I decided to study for my test. I didnt compete in the pov that i  shouldve won. SO now its time to do what I need to do for my redemption is quite simple. The last 3 ORGs ive played for BB i have made 2nd, 4th, and 3rd. And I learned quite a lot To negate my first mistake I'm not going to publicly target anbody. I will join the mob mentality to ensure my safety in early weeks. To negate my second mistake I am going to keep all my alliances as 1on1s. No alliances bigger than 3 people, and make sure to keep whatever information I have to myself. I will not snake out any information. To negate my third mistake is to try in all competitions. I will not throw anything I will not submit for anything unless I really cant. If I give it my all and still leave I can't beat myself up that bad. I'm nervous, but I'm ready. These freaks aren't gonna know what hit them.

Okay one hour to premiere! The fact that I've made two DRs pre-season? thats wild. I am gonna give a go at predicting the cast, based on... borderline nothing, beyond paranoia: Veronica Constance Raffy Autumn Olivia Eddie Elmo Hals Sammy Aren Those are guesses I'm confident in, so I'm gonna stick to that! Lets see if I get anyone right ajlkdsfas

Okay this isn't as bad as i thought except i'm a hot ass mess and messaged a picture into the house chat and i'm about to DIE

wut in the FUCK is happening who the hell are these people theyre mental all of them. nice to see sammy and ali though i fucking love them but i am terrified of playing with ali i literally said to my host chat 3 hrs before the game started "please say its all newbies so im not playing with zeezo" AND SHES HERE WTF

omg this FREAKING CAST IS WILD and i'm not gonna lie i'm a little worried that i might fight over half of them before the second week is finished...

not gonna lie seeing ashvika and roxy made me wanna kill myself but also i'm totally dying at the sight of ZEEZO AND BRYCE <3 also THIS COMP FREAKING SUCKS i need to find a group of friends asap so i don't flop. i'm gonna try to bring together bryce, zeezo, sammy, kat, and maybe ricky.... either gonna be lit or bite me in the ass

Hi!!! Y'all casted way too many people but it's ok cause I really like everyone so far whew. Also I really will do my intro video I swear... first thing tomorrow lmao 

THIS SHIT IS OVERWHELMING AF! SOOOO MANY FREAKIN PPL IM TALKIN TOO! I LIKE MOST OF THEM but som im like k. then like the call i do not want to join bc shit they cracked af! hopefully its not my undoing but i feel like my social is pretty strong atm.  #BBgameEVER

i'm just happy that ashvika is willing to put our unnecessarily tragic rivalry behind us and play this game right this time around. hopefully we'll be able to keep up the "we hate each other" look in the house chat and such so we can actually WORK TOGETHER this time. obvi i love her, and i just want the backstabbing madness to stop. hopefully she really has put out past behind her bc i'm ready to move on. like we're both pretty, we need to stick together. also shook that i talked to blake the longest today in pms???? like???? okay??? bryce and i look like we're in this for the long haul, hopefully we aren't first and second boot!! bc i have a weird feeling imma be pre-jury for some reason dsgdf

Night 1 Thots: Short term goal? to be as pathetic as possible. Probaly shouldn't have told alivia so soon that I was johnchen from bbtc world as after watching her intro vid. the could come back to bite me. Ryan seems like someone who I can ride on his coat tails for a while to get my foot in this game. So short term I need to be as pathetic as possible and hope this julia/bryce/sammy thing from house of shade starts to erupt.

me at alivia

Really regretting making my code word tractor.. Not a fan.  But um me and alivia talked for like 4 hours and we're both legends. We have a cute google sheet bet ur all jealous. Her and ashvika are gonna pretend that they hate each other but they dont actually!! How fun. Hope i dont slip and blow their covers JKDFHKSJD. Everyone seems to know everyone which is scary. When i first saw Jela and Julia were cast I was scared that theyd target me b/c we had a rough introduction, but honestly theyre legends. Idk why i told jela i was missing a left toe.. but i did and now idk what to do about that whole thing. Maybe ill say i got drunk and dont remember saying that but it isnt true.. IDK WHAT TO DO. But um yaa happy to see zeezo here too but scared ppl will think we're a duo but honestly I dont think ppl will. Um I should do a cast first impression thing wooh! Ricky: Played my first tumblr game with him but dont really know him. Seemed nice but not much there Randy: seems like a legend. Poc king. Um talked to him and he wanted to know more about me but wouldnt talk about himself so!! Idk hope we talk more seems fun. Julia: Um called me out. Called me fat. Fun tho!! Seems untrustworthy but no bad blood. Roxy: Talked a bit, um shes fun?? Dont think she likes me Ashvika: how can one girl be so pretty??? Shes smart too. Like i want to hate how perfect she is. The type of girl to throw my game away for tho so I need to make sure I dont!! Alivia: how can one girl be so pretty??? Shes smart too. Like i want to hate how perfect she is. The type of girl to throw my game away for tho so I need to make sure I dont!!  Honestly want to go to the end with her tho so I just am gonna have to make sure I outplay her so we can be f2. Bryce: ugly cast pic. Is he even a poc??? Zeezo: THE LOML I LOVE HER SO MUCH. we both seem to be working together so im happy. Hope to work with her and have her carry me in comps. She will beat lachies record. #menareover Kat: wish she was jade ;(. JK!! Love her so much already. She is so nice and fun and like just seems like a great person. Honestly shes gonna mist me too. Jose: Epicmafia king. We never work together and always betray each other so... first chance for everything??? He seems fun tho love him hope he slays (less than me tho) Sammy: I literally love him hes so nice but i never pm him so thats awk KDSJFHDKSj hope that this game changes that!! Lynn: Legend. Loves hufflepuff, hates middle school. Like I think we click but i know her and blake are like super close so idk if shed ever be closer with me but i hope so b/c shes just like.. amazing!! Saxon: Talks a lot. About himself. Maybe itll change when i talk to him more. Likes super hero movies so wooh i guess. Jela: Thought she hated me but maybe now she doesnt. Shes really funny actually so hopefully we can be allies. Blake: know that hes super smart and good at the game but like he got rekt by queen tara so maybe ill do that to him. We talked but it was bland but guess ill push through it Dennis: So his name is annoying to spell so had to change that quick. Kind of hate him??? But hes fun!!! Didnt know carly rae jepsen made music still so like the stan in me wanted to hang up the call on him. BUT then he msged me asking for carly songs to listen to so like.. love him now. Cant believe he knew all the social game hed need with me was just pretending to like my queen Autumn: We talked about her past games and it was basically me fangirlling about her ENDING eddie LOL. think we can work together because we both like intersectional feminism John: Tried talking to him but didnt go anywhere. But im gonna make it work!! Ive decided we'll be close so wooh Olivia: took 2 hours to respond to me. like musicals tho. kept ignoring me tho. Alivia outsold. Ali: PURE KING. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. NO ONE IS BETTER. I COULD NEVER TURN AGAINST HIM. SO IM GONNA NEED OTHERS TO DO IT FOR ME. Love his dog even tho i misgendered her but it wont happen again. Think we'll be close. reptiles stick together!!

WHEWIE. Okay I tried filming a video confessional, but my thoughts are such a mess, so I've decided writing it out will be considerably more coherent. YIKES SO. This season is already so wild, like this cast.... is gonna be a lot. I already can tell this season is going to have lots of fights and I don't know... how ready I am for that eeeek. But otherwise, my illiteracy means I don't understand the lottery twist so I love that. The returnee twist is fun though, like I feel like at the start of games, I go into panic mode, so having returnees I can go to about that, might make them feel like I'm an easy number and that they want to work with me? The people I knew before this season (like I'd actually spoken to): Bryce, Julia, Ashvika, Autumn & Olivia (I loosely knew Ricky, Blake & Sammy too) Within the game itself, the people I've had the best conversations with are Jose, Kat, Olivia, Ashvika & John. Olivia is like one of my favourite people in the community, and also a super good player so I'd love to work with her. I also think the fact that we are friends is something nobody in the cast should know (I think) so thats fun. Jose was such a big threat/player last season, and the vibe I get from him this time is he wants to tone that down? I'm not good at working with super cracked people, so him being slightly in the middle between UTR and cracked, will make him a super good person to work with I think. He is also the only person I've like...talked game with, even though its super limited, just that I wanna work with him. I'm a weirdo and watched all the Alola cast assessment stuff, and it sounds like Kat was playing really well, but got stuck in a funky position and couldn't recover, so I think she is gonna be a major threat this time and I'd love to work with her too woooo. Ashvika is a queen. Just plain and simple. She is so wholesome and nice, and already seems loosely on the same page as me, so thats iconic. John scares me ajkhsdfaslf. i think he is a total newbie, and I also think he is gonna get super cracked, and thats.... scary asdkjflas Dennis I just started talking to properly, he is in my timezone-ish, so that will be good for my sleeping pattern if he ever wins HoH or anything, but I worry he may struggle to make connections, so I'm not sure how much he can help me as an ally? The others I'm gonna try and do more rapid fire, since this confessional is already massive hjkasdflsaf: Alivia: Really really nice! We haven't spoken all that much, but she seems super friendly and she was really loyal in Unova, which makes me feel good about maybe working with her? Also Ali in the name? we love legends Ricky: Ricky is.... an interesting one ljaksdfla. He is a fun personality to have around, so I hope he sticks around. I'm not sure how invested he will be in any of these games, but I hope he gives it a good go woo Randy: Randy is gonna be such a threat already I can tell sahkjfdla Also he lowkey scares me, because whenever I would start pm'ing people on call yesterday, he would run to my pms asking why I wasnt pm'ing him which freaked me out sjkadflas. He seems fun though, and Dom stans him so we stan Julia (The Witch): An icon. A legend. An inspiration. Also terrifying skjahdfla. She mentioned all stars on call yesterday and my heart stopped, because I hated how I was in that game and dont want it talked about. I think she is gonna fight people and I don't especially want to get on her bad side! Roxy: Havent spoken to her much, it might be tricky talking to her, since we are both in weird timezones, we will see Bryce: A SWEETHEART. I love Bryce soo much. We worked together in a mini once, and it was super fun, so I'd love to work with him more. Zeezo: She seems super nice! I don't really know her, beyond that she is POVzo and probably a comp threat, but I think she will be fun. I know her and Bryce are friends so we will see where that goes jahdfka Sammy: Super nice! I loosely know him, but he seems like he will be good fun. I havent spoken to him much, so I hope he is gonna be active rip Lynn: I know of her from Moheli, and I know her and Blake were ride or dies which I am wary off.... Otherwise, she has been super quiet and I could see her.... potentially going early rip a queen Saxon: FUDGE. I havent spoken to him at all which is scary, since I feel like he probably already knows a lot of this cast, so if he wins RIP me I guess. Otherwise, he seems like a fun personality so wooo Jelaminah: Ummm. She is wild. Like really wild. I think I stan her, but I also am like.... concious that she is a lot, and its sometimes too much for me. I'm a bit annoyed by her tbh, but its just because she was like laughing at people's sexualities, as if she didnt believe them, and thats super ugly, but I couldn't exactly say anything to her. I think she is gonna be a super dominant personality, but whew we will see. Blake: I know he was a big player in Moheli, but I think he also rubbed people the wrong way.... We will see how he does, he seems iconic Autumn: A QUEEN. She is the most inactive so far which is worrying. I don't want her to go early. I could really see her going up this week, but maybe us two havent talked much, since she is just comfortable in our relationship? AND WHEW. Thats everything, if anyone read this, I love you for that. Otherwise, wooo I'm super nervous, I love my DR guests Owen and Emily and eek. We will see!

ahhh okay so, I’m super excited about meeting new people....BUT...this cast is so huge and I’m so nervous. I like everyone for the most part and I’ve been trying to like talk to some people I’ve played with in the past to maybe smoothe over some bad relationships? The only person I’m still like nervous about is Julia because she kills the straight men and she hates Gemini’s. AND WHAT AM I? A STRAIGHT MALE GEMINI. I don’t think she’s very good at comps tho and I know she would go for Bryce before me. Anyway I seriously love Kat because she is so genuine and I just want to work with her. Also I want to work with alivia, roxy, zeezo, Olivia, randy, Jela, ricky, and autumn! There’s a few others as well but I’ll prob do like a video DR and talk about how I feel about everyone...who knows.

Jose is officially my showmance and we stan asjdkfaslf. He is so nice and my favourite new person I've met in the cast anyway, and he won lots of comps last season so I'm ready for him to drag me to the end dlakjfasfa.

bryce better not fucking put me up or i'm gonna SHOOT 

wow so happy bryce is HoH!!!! perfect week one :$

I am actually really happy that bryce won this HOH bc that means my ass hole is safe! PRaise BE. MY showmance that was made by ALIVIA has saved my ass and partly to me sorta already knowing him through tara! BITHCH TARA LOLOVE UR ASSSS. ANd shoot idk what these gays are lookin at but ppl be sayin they think im cute. maybe its like when i look at a potato or like  a waffle fry??  who knows ahaha but like some of these boys be good lookin like damn. hit me and my crocs up boys ;P

I am not a bottom. ya dumb bitch

Bryce is nomming me for not playing in the hoh. Gurl gurl im not a newb who would buy up that excuse

Just say we arent alligned and im good with the other players and id belive you why would i buy that you, a player whose played a few games by now, would nom someone for abstainimg

Okay SO. I filmed a video confessional earlier, but its already super out of date so its time for an update! I have spoken to lots of people that I hadn't talked to since premiere night which is good, Alivia & Kat are so nice! Jose is, as always a king, and I think (other than Olivia) he is my closest ally rn, so woo we stan. Otherwise, I spoke to Bryce, and it seems like (praise be), I'm not getting nominated, WOO! He says he is nominating Roxy/Autumn, with Julia getting the future shock thingie. Like I told him, the future shock is kind of like a curse and we know Julia loves a good curse, so its a good matchup aljdfkas. Otherwise, these nominations make sense. I LOVE Autumn, but she has been the quietest person in the cast, so I assume she is gonna go first rip. Roxy I have spoken to a fair bit, but I know she is in a funky timezone, which probably throws off her ability to be active. Bryce seemed like he was being pretty open with me, so I hope I'm not the backup plan if somebody comes off. I feel like my social game is pretty strong so I wouldnt have thought people in the house would push for me as a renom and eI'd be suprised if I get nominated! Last but not least, the unfortunate thing is how MENINIST these nominations are akjsdfla, we are really putting the orre in discriminatorrey.

First DR of the game. I'm not going to do first impressions because I'm not that dry. The game started when I was put in this bitch, so I'm here to go at full force. I'm going to play a strong balance of a great 1 on 1 social game while still being a great personality people love. As of right now I'm being constantly dragged and roasted, and I wouldn't want it any other way. (But this is before HOH so the claws are bound to come over) So my game has been very social as of right now. Before HoH I focused on making genuine connections. I'm good with all the returnees at this point. None of them have beef with me, and I made it clear that I want to work with all of them (while this is farther from the truth). I'm just being diplomatic because there's some tension between the returnees that will have to be released soon. With the returnees I connected automatically with Zeezo. Me and her didnt even small talk its was just game talk from moment one. Thats a great relationship to have, and I'm definitely maintaining it. Jose and Alivia have been talking to me more. Jose has been more open with working with me than Alivia so : \\. All the returnees from Kanto-Sinnoh are here because theyre entertaining, the bitches from Unova-Alola would be casted for redemption but don't meet the criteria. I made an alliance with Jelaminah and Ricky. This is mostly because I need to be on Jelaminah's good side because I know the bitch knows how to play. So i would rather be scheming with her than against her. Ricky is just a number. On housecalls I saw that Jela was talking to Julia a lot. So I started talking to Julia a lot more. I surprisingly trust her a lot more than I thought I would. So me and her aren't beefing, but her and Bryce are. HOS20 affects this game because Julia and Saxon are aligned in this game and they're against Bryce and Sammy as of right now. I know Julia can drop a vendetta, but Saxon is just horrible about it. And I hate Saxon so much. He just gives me second hand embarassment and i dont know why. Like I'm so happy I've trained myself to hold my tongue because the shit he wears on housecalls actually make me laugh. He posted a picture of him shirtless and it was literally looking at rotten spam meat. Its not cute, and he is just so prude in pms because he obviously doesnt want to talk to me. I can make a separate DR about Saxon because he brings out all the hate and all the angst I had when I was in Johto. But going back to the topic Julia fought Sammy and Bryce ig and Saxon thinks Julia is right because he's a kissass and is a savvy feminist. I love Julia so her having beef isnt good. I talked to her and she said she didnt have good relations with Olivia, Bryce, Sammy, and Autumn. And i was shocked that this game is so against her, but this is great information because its something I can utilize. But those are her problems, and they dont affect me. If she wants to play with me she's gonna have to fix amends or take them out 1 by 1First DR of the game. I'm not going to do first impressions because I'm not that dry. The game started when I was put in this bitch, so I'm here to go at full force. I'm going to play a strong balance of a great 1 on 1 social game while still being a great personality people love. As of right now I'm being constantly dragged and roasted, and I wouldn't want it any other way. (But this is before HOH so the claws are bound to come over) So my game has been very social as of right now. Before HoH I focused on making genuine connections. I'm good with all the returnees at this point. None of them have beef with me, and I made it clear that I want to work with all of them (while this is farther from the truth). I'm just being diplomatic because there's some tension between the returnees that will have to be released soon. With the returnees I connected automatically with Zeezo. Me and her didnt even small talk its was just game talk from moment one. Thats a great relationship to have, and I'm definitely maintaining it. Jose and Alivia have been talking to me more. Jose has been more open with working with me than Alivia so : \\. All the returnees from Kanto-Sinnoh are here because theyre entertaining, the bitches from Unova-Alola would be casted for redemption but don't meet the criteria. I made an alliance with Jelaminah and Ricky. This is mostly because I need to be on Jelaminah's good side because I know the bitch knows how to play. So i would rather be scheming with her than against her. Ricky is just a number. On housecalls I saw that Jela was talking to Julia a lot. So I started talking to Julia a lot more. I surprisingly trust her a lot more than I thought I would. So me and her aren't beefing, but her and Bryce are. HOS20 affects this game because Julia and Saxon are aligned in this game and they're against Bryce and Sammy as of right now. I know Julia can drop a vendetta, but Saxon is just horrible about it. And I hate Saxon so much. He just gives me second hand embarassment and i dont know why. Like I'm so happy I've trained myself to hold my tongue because the shit he wears on housecalls actually make me laugh. He posted a picture of him shirtless and it was literally like  looking at rotten spam meat. Its not cute, and he is just so prude in pms because he obviously doesnt want to talk to me. I can make a separate DR about Saxon because he brings out all the hate and all the angst I had when I was in Johto. But going back to the topic Julia fought Sammy and Bryce ig and Saxon thinks Julia is right because he's a kissass and is a savvy feminist. I love Julia so her having beef isnt good. I talked to her and she said she didnt have good relations with Olivia, Bryce, Sammy, and Autumn. And i was shocked that this game is so against her, but this is great information because its something I can utilize. But those are her problems, and they dont affect me. If she wants to play with me she's gonna have to fix amends or take them out 1 by 1. Until then I'm going to spend my time with investments that are bound to pay off. Which are with the newbies. I've been spending a lot of time on Blake because Blake lives 20 minutes away from me. I'm trying to hold this down as secret as possible. He likes me, and I want to work with him so I'm just going to continue our friendship and ensure that we're a duo. He doesn't talk a lot in the housechat which is concerning to me, but he does hold very strong one on one relations with most of the house. Lynn is also a south carolina native, and she is just so infectious. She is very intimidated by the large cast meaning that she hasnt bonded that well with a lot of people. So i put two and two together and made a South Carolina alliance. I know Blake is genuine about it. But the main purpose of this alliance is to keep Lynn under my sphere of influence. I can't have no newbies on my side. No ma'am Another newbie who stands out for me is John. John is just really active, and such a social threat. Meaning that his word has saying. So far my relationship with him has been "hey let literally help you with anything and expect nothing in return". With him im trying to show myself as a puppet, or somebody who is very very useful with him. And I actually showed that this week when Bryce won HOH. Won't lie I didnt want but also wanted HOH at the same time. When Bryce won it I was very wary of what was going to happen. Then John comes up to me saying that Bryce is thinking of nominating him. And since I had a decent bond with Bryce I know that I had to save John. So when Bryce talked to me he was dead set as Roxy as the initial nom and target, and Julia for safety this week.  Then he mentioned that he was on the fence because he didnt know if he wanted Autumn or John nominated. So I told him the truth that it would be silly to nominate somebody as active as John. And so John wasn't nominated. I stuck my neck out for John and was one of the reasons he isn't nominated this week. And these game things build genuine trust since I'm not just talking to talk. I'm walking to walk and this game isn't ready for Randyy.

Hello ladies and gentlemen you're looking at the first nominee of the season waysup

Imma get to the bottom of this so ain't even worried. I just feel bad y'all didn't even get one happy confessional from me. We just jumped straight into poppin off. That's ok though! Nice for what am i rite

Bryce is full of shit and I'm embarrassed for him. Like who makes an enemy out of me on Day fucking 3? Really my guy? That's the first thing you thought of when you had 19 people to pick from? Apparently I'm getting nominated because the other 18 people in the cast talked to Bryce yesterday and I didn't. Not only do I not buy that, but we just not gonna acknowledge the fact that I talked to him on 2 of the 3 days the game has been going on so far? K cool. Today we learned unless Bryce feels like the prettiest girl at the dance every minute of every day, you're not doing enough Also can we talk about how the "I'm so happy to play with you I always root for you" energy that Bryce was selling to me on day one didn't even last a round? Hiigghkey I feel like the people who know me in the cast are secretly happy cause they know I'm petty enough to take Bryce out and I'll have no problem taking the fall for it. Ali, Ashvika, Sammy, Julia, Olivia- they know I don't play that shit. Can you imagine being first HOH, using it on me, and then thinking I'm not mad at you because I "understand" that nominating me was "the easiest thing to do"?

SHIT YOUR BOI JUST DID THAT TONIGHT! IF U KNOW YOU KNOW. 😜😂

CLICK HERE TO SEE ALI’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

woo I'm on call with Autumn, Sammy, Jela & Dennis. THEY ARE SO FUN. I am back on the Jela stan train, she is actually super nice! I think I want Autumn to stay this week (and I think she could too)! Roxy is super sweet, but Autumn is a queen and the queen stays queen! Oh, I'm not using the veto too, its way too early to make a move and I don't know who would go up instead. I'm still SHRIEKING that I won that veto somehow kjlasdfa

CLICK HERE TO SEE RANDY’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

[5/9/18, 2:45:32 PM] Blake Sanders: do you want money?? [5/9/18, 2:45:41 PM] Blake Sanders: BC THE MONEY WANTS YOU! [5/9/18, 2:45:43 PM] alivia: do you wanna be rich??? [5/9/18, 2:45:53 PM] Blake Sanders: ^^^^^^ RICH [5/9/18, 2:45:58 PM] Blake Sanders: not just driving nice car rich [5/9/18, 2:46:07 PM] Blake Sanders: I mean using cheeta fur as toilet paper rich! [5/9/18, 2:46:15 PM] alivia: 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 [5/9/18, 2:48:20 PM] alivia: YOUVE BEEN HAND SELECTED [5/9/18, 2:48:31 PM] alivia: BECAUSE WE THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES [5/9/18, 3:07:19 PM] rixxy 🦄: Hi I just got off work [5/9/18, 3:07:23 PM] rixxy 🦄: what the FUCK is this? [5/9/18, 3:07:33 PM] alivia: DO YOU WANT MONEY??? [5/9/18, 3:07:52 PM] rixxy 🦄: i'm scared but absolutely [5/9/18, 3:07:58 PM] Blake Sanders: FUCK YA! [5/9/18, 3:07:58 PM] alivia: WE WANT YOUR HELP SCAMMING THIS HOUSE! [5/9/18, 3:08:09 PM] alivia: it’s good to be a little scared [5/9/18, 3:08:12 PM] rixxy 🦄: I definitely don't like where this is going. [5/9/18, 3:08:12 PM] Blake Sanders: MONEY WERE GOIN TO RULE THIS AND MAKE MONEY [5/9/18, 3:08:26 PM] Blake Sanders: BUT U WILL RIXXY [5/9/18, 3:08:31 PM] rixxy 🦄: god [5/9/18, 3:08:34 PM] Blake Sanders: <3 [5/9/18, 3:09:00 PM] lynnt: yes [5/9/18, 3:09:53 PM] alivia: you’re gonna be rich so you gotta live rich [5/9/18, 3:11:57 PM] Blake Sanders: There’s like a joining fee [5/9/18, 3:12:01 PM] alivia: yep [5/9/18, 3:12:09 PM] alivia: like scientology [5/9/18, 3:12:21 PM] alivia: but like this is real [5/9/18, 3:12:56 PM] rixxy 🦄: i'm not paying for this [5/9/18, 3:13:01 PM] rixxy 🦄: is this like a legit game thing? [5/9/18, 3:13:03 PM] rixxy 🦄: bc [5/9/18, 3:13:07 PM] lynnt: then imma opt out b/c this rich bitch is cheap and that’s why i’m rich [5/9/18, 3:13:55 PM] Blake Sanders: I mean we legit love u guys [5/9/18, 3:14:07 PM] rixxy 🦄: is this an alliance [5/9/18, 3:14:12 PM] rixxy 🦄: bc i'm uncomfortable and confused [5/9/18, 3:14:35 PM] alivia: woah woah woah [5/9/18, 3:14:41 PM] alivia: everyone calm down [5/9/18, 3:15:09 PM] alivia: don’t worry about the money. you can pay the joining fee AFTER we’re rich [5/9/18, 3:15:15 PM] alivia: don’t worry [5/9/18, 3:15:16 PM] rixxy 🦄: like i'm actually having an anxiety attack can you RATMEME.PNG literally..... WHAT???? blake and i were talking and started joking about being scammers bc sdfkal and then i was like "we should start a scammer alliance" and that's how it all started. we thought it would be SO funny if we just added them to a chat and started trolling them about scamming houseguests out of their money dljgdkfjg and i thought MAYBE lynn and ricky would be confused at first but ricky literally lost his mind like ooops my bad WE THOUGHT WE WERE FUNNY BUT I GAS NOT. [5/9/18, 3:16:08 PM] alivia: it’s a joke but kind of an alliance [5/9/18, 3:16:21 PM] alivia: but mostly a joke [5/9/18, 3:16:44 PM] rixxy 🦄: i literally thought i got dragged into some kind of game twist and i wouldn't play my own game god [5/9/18, 3:17:08 PM] alivia: omg WHAT [5/9/18, 3:17:19 PM] alivia: LITERALLY THE BIGGEST JOKE NOT SERIOUS [5/9/18, 3:17:25 PM] alivia: IMSORFY [5/9/18, 3:17:28 PM] rixxy 🦄: like i thought it was some saboteur/team america bullshit [5/9/18, 3:17:35 PM] alivia: omg noooo [5/9/18, 3:17:42 PM] rixxy 🦄: all i want to do is play the game and i literally thought that was snatched from me [5/9/18, 3:17:50 PM] alivia: HOW??? [5/9/18, 3:18:17 PM] rixxy 🦄: idk i thought y'all were a twist sdksksksksks sdfjsdl wow fuck me i gas??? my social game is really off to a great start!!! gotta get ricky outta here asap now

Right now i am on CAll with SAMMY SAM bc im bad at talking to multiple people at a time! SOOOOOO SAMMY is like wanting to be ym ally but like do i trust his ass??

CLICK HERE TO SEE JOSE’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

okayyyyy so this is definitely something different like bb is hard tbh. there's too many people to talk to and i just really don't care about continuing to keep up a convo with some of them but you have to or bye bye. i have definitely not been as social as most and that is def scary but the people that i have talked to and made connections are super nice. so that's why i was so glad when the people that won HOH and POV are people i talked to. uuhHHuh i have no fucking clue who i want to evict tonight so that's fun! ya know autumn is super nice and chill but she did go dark for a while and roxy is super fun and i still haven't heard ANY singing and i want to and she is campaigning really hard so she really wants to stay BUT since she's campaigning so hard to stay and kinda saying anything to EVERYONE who knows what she'll do to stay in the game later on. idk is it too early to be thinking about later in the game?? idkkk thanks for coming to my rambling ted talk. find out next time on if i've decided.

CLICK HERE TO SEE DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

OK SOOOO the eviction is coming up tonight and its either going to be Autumn or Roxy! NOw autumn is a super sweet queen but i feel like she will kill me if need be! but i still lvoe her! now roxy she is fighting for her life like she is making me promises i think she will not be able to keep. bc ive heard form other hosue guests she is making the same promises to them. NOW i love talkin to her about food and cooking but i feel awful that im most likely going to evict her! but o well it has to be done im glad its not me

i feel like i should give like a summary of like where i am with everyone and how i feel about them all before the first eviction! ALI: Well i first knew him because he reached out to me about a game he is gonna host. He like doesn't talk to me much which makes me nervous... I like him a lot but looks like we are just acquaintances atm. ALIVIA: OK I FREAKIN LOVE HER! SHE IS HILARIOUS! WE STARTED A ALLIANCE CHAT CALLED SCAMMERS R' US AND RICKY LEGIT FREAKED THE FUCK OUT AND WE WERE ALL LIKE WTF JUST HAPPENED HE IS INSANE! i hope i get to work with her a lot during this game and talk about ice cream! But i do see her stabbing me in the back later on so ill prob strike first. LOVE YA ASHVIKA: now this girl is a goddess she is beauty and she is grace! we talk like avg and stuff we have small chats nothing about gamewise. I see her as not being a threat as in targeting people or winning HOH i see her as a social threat. I think she will go far but not win she will def be jury. I think she is amazing tho and shes a model soo like i want to be her. AUTUMN: Now Autumn is a delight to be around so sweet and seems so pure but she will kill me i just know it. She's the beautiful flower in the garden that turns into a man eating plant <3 she is temptation and i may fall for it BLAKE: ive been told i was a certified good boy BRYCE: Now i knew him b4 this game bc of my friend TARA LOVE YOU BITCH <3 ! i think he will keep me around but idk if our bond is tight enough. i dont think he will choose to evict me yet. but other thsn that i want to work on having a closer bond with him for sure! DENNIS: I like dennis he just iidk theres not alot to say? me adn him talk about video games and stuff but whenever i talk to him i like forget like why im talkin to him lol! but he is super chill! JELAMINAH: THIS WOMAN <3 IS AMAZINGLY FUNNYY! SHE IS ONE PERSONALITY I WANT TO GET ON MY SIDE~! she is hilarious amd an amazing person i want to work with her sooo bad! i talk to her in oms sometimes but she is more of a on call person i believe or she just doesn't wanna talk to me ahah . O AND JELA I TAKE BACK TO WHO I THINK THE CUTEST BOY HERE IS ! JOHN : I love john! me and him talk trash about  random things and it is hilarious! i hope he feels as close to me as i am to him! i feel like we can work together in the long run. JOSE: Ive only talked to Jose just a little bit so im worried if he ever wins HOH bc i may be nominated! so i better get my ass into high gear and talk to him more. other than that i remebr him as the guy who someone hit his fence with a car. JULIA: NOW i have heard things about this girl! like that she is ana amzing player and i better watch out for her! IM SO SORRY JULIA BUT U R ON MY HITLIST! AND SADLY U NEVER U LEFT ME ON READ IN MY PMS RUDE~! KAT:I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT KAT BUT WE JUST STARTED TALKING TODAY AND WE HELPED names each others plants! she is a precious person and i love her! she is so funny! i want to work with her for this game! LYNN: YALL THIS IS MY BITCH ! I LOVE YOU LYNN WE PLAYED IN MOHELI TOGETHER AND AFTER THAT IT WAS HISTORY WE BECAME BEST FRIENDS VISITING EACH OTHER AND STUFF! SHE ONLY LIED 2 HOURS FROM ME WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL I SAW HER ALL THE TIME! I AM MOST DEF WORKING WITH HER! SHE IS MY BESTFRIEND! <3 LOVE U OLIVIA: OK WELL IDK MUCH bout her. ummmm i talked to her a little im ttrying to become her ally but its not really workign she wont talk to meee!! RANDY: omg i have not heard good things about him.... i shouldve been told these things sooner omg! i feel like he hates me he might! we live in the same city and live like 15 mins away! omg rip rip rip . he goes to my old highdchool! thats crazy af! im working wiht him rn but i i think im going to nom him in the middle of the game or try to get him out around then. sorry randy! also hes been giving me the cold shoulder and not talkin to me which is rude. adnwe r in an alliance chat bro. come on really... RICKY: TBh u annoy me. everything i like u say its dumb or u don't like it. i say goodmorning/afternoon to u adn u say its morning its not even close to afternoon whatre u doing. AND IM LIKE WTF HAV U NEVER HEARD OF TIMEZONES! LIKE HELLLLLO! damn just we are not compatible people and well if i ever win HOH ill prob nom him. ROXY: DAMN BITCH I CAUGHT U IN A LIE AND U DONT KNOW ABOUT IT! THIS IS THE REAOSN IM VOTIN TO EVICT U IM SORRY OMG IM GOIN TO MISS TALKIN TO U ABOUT FOOD! ur sooo sweet omg and u hav a lovely voice! SAMMY: I have been told not to trust him bc he is a snake. But shit he is one of my closest allies now! like we talked for hours on call and watched survivor it was such a cute little date! GOD i hope he doesnt betray me ill cry so much! i mean he might but like i dont wanna back stab him.... yet <3 SAXON: who r u?? talked like never. ur probably nice?? ZEEZO: Girl u be freakin lynn out with eveyrhting u saying to and about her! soo idk like aht to do wiht u ahahah prob get u nominated?? SORRY IM A LOSER AND DIDNT MAKE A VID I LOOK LIKE A THUMB ATM <3

what bitch Randy, 3:05 PM hola 3:05 PM you never sent me a pm Randy, 3:05 PM ur coll bc you aint never talk about interesting shit 3:05 PM uh huh Randy, 3:05 PM tf am i supposed to reply to "yea" 3:06 PM sorry I'm not your source of entertainment you twink I was busy with my life Randy, 3:06 PM wow this is something we can TALK ABOUT Randy, 3:06 PM what did you do I kinda snapped sorry Randy

Are u gonnaget ur tattoo coloured? :0 or will it be lines? Rn im hungry waiting for ma burger heh 9:21 PM It’s just lines henny 👑, 9:23 PM Sweet! What inspires the one u chose? 👑, 6:35 AM Hey saxon! I wanted to wait to speak to you in person but im tired and sorta not feeling well so i cant stay up. I wouls love it id you vote me to stay!! I really enjoy this game and im a p loyal ally! Im active and have jackbox too xd. Ill try be up at least 2 hours bfr eviction if you wanna chat about the vote! 👑, 3:03 PM Morning 3:03 PM Hiya 👑, 3:03 PM Hows it going? 3:04 PM fine busy 👑, 3:04 PM Ripp with what m? 3:05 PM a 5 page paper 👑, 3:06 PM Ew Wtf 3:06 PM ye 👑, 3:06 PM Just quit school. Death sound sbetter than that Hshsbs 3:10 PM i omg 👑, 3:11 PM Lmfao Man now my eviction worries seem meaningless 3:14 PM Why is that? 👑, 3:15 PM :o cause your   5 page thing is gross :o have you started on it or still got a ways to go? 3:20 PM I still got a ways to go 👑, 3:20 PM yikes 👑, 3:20 PM how are you feeling about this week? like hame wise Roxy I think you're a lovely person but holy fuck can you just please shut up sometimes when you know someone is busy

CLICK HERE TO SEE ALI’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

CLICK HERE TO SEE PT 1 OF BRYCE’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

CLICK HERE TO SEE PT 2 OF BRYCE’S VIDEO DIARY ROOM!

I'd say it was an effective campaign xoxo Summer Shrek

CAST ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE WEEK 1 CAST ASSESSMENT!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems. 

[stickyrunawayangelsworld]

Monday, 4:51 am

my best friend on the whole wide planet ruined her life, and now she wants me to ruin mine. you see, she grew up living with her controlling and abusive grandparents. parents were drug addicts, never gave a shit. she turned 18 in march of 2016, had a beautiful daughter in april. moved out of their house in may or june. left all her shit (by force). she moved in with her mom, which didn't work out too well. some time in june or july i had to get her and all the shit we could get quickly and leave. she stayed at my sisters for a while. everyone in my family told her that she could stay with any of us, permanently. my nana and papa already had two teenagers (18 and 16), but they didnt have a spare room. my sister was 7 months pregnant and newly wed, they have their own place which is two bath and four bed. one room i was living in, the nursery was in the back by their room, and the room they were ready to make hers was right beside mine. my parents with three kids but only one living at home (my brother, 16) (i moved out in june due to a very bad fight with my dad which ended in me in the icu, and my sister is 24 so) had two spare rooms, one which was already being made into a nursery for their soon to be grandchild, the other completely empty since i left. however, she wanted to move to texas to go live with her long distance boyfriend she had never met. so, in august, she moved states to be with an abusive asshole. there were signs he was definitely abusive before they were even dating, and she ignored them all because he also did nice things. he bought her and willow gifts and mailed them. he bought promise rings. he sent her his jackets so she could wear them, he sent her letters, tagged her in memes, etc. he also called her fat. (not the worst thing to others, but she's been suffering with eating disorders since she was a child, and she was 8 months pregnant at the time.) he also triggered her ptsd. he would belittle her, push her around, and manipulate her into doing things she didn't want to do. every fight he would call her a bitch, irrational, overreacting. she has multiple disorders where it's hard to tell if she is overreacting or being irrational. he would leave her on read during a panic attack. actually i can't think of a single time he talked to her when she was freaking out. he always said it was stupid and that "she'd calm down eventually". anyways. so she moves down there. its good for maybe two or three weeks. after that it was non stop with the fighting. "Toriy he's such a dick" "i hate it here, i don't know anyone and the city gives me anxiety" (san antonio is like 300 miles, and she's from a small ass town) "Toriy please call me" "____ did x, y, z today and I haven't eaten in three days" at first it was shit that i wasn't surprised by. he called her fat, he ignored her during a panic attack, he put his friends before her. then christmas week happened. it started put early in the week. he was mad because something that happened at work or whatever, and he was (as usual) taking it out on her. she didn't say anything, just kinda took it. the next few days were pretty similar. his family celebrated christmas on christmas eve, and she didn't know hardly any of them. he has a pretty large family. she only knew his mom, dad, sister, brother, and other brother. she was so anxious and she spent half the night in the bathroom crying. not so shockingly, he ignored her existence the whole time. that night when they got home, was the worst. he broke up with her, sent her several messages calling her a shitty mom (lemme just tell you, she is an AMAZING mom. also lemme just tell you one of the "reasons" he used for her being a shitty mom was that she washes her childs bottles????), he accused her of lying about being raped, he said so much shit. christmas day, at two something in the morning, he got physical. the baby was crying and my friend could not handle it. she asked the dude to watch her for a second so she could go to the bathroom and wash her face and calm down. he started screaming at my friend, slammed the baby's head (she was 8 months old at the time) into the metal bed frame, kicked my friend in the stomach and the legs, and punched her a few times. i can't even begin to tell you how bad the phone call i got that night was. three months later, and he hasn't been physical since, but he hasn't changed anything at all. tonight he got in a fight with her because his parents took her to get chinese while he was at work but they wouldn't bring him whattaburger. he got home, said "fuck you" to her, and left. shes spent the whole night having panic attacks and blacking out. i haven't heard from her in three hours and the last thing she said to me was "im going to hurt myself". the other day she asked me to move there. if me her and him can get a place together. i have spent the last eleven days doing nothing but mentally cussing her out. (excluding friday night / saturday morning bc BOI) Fuck you, ____. I hate boys. I hate loud and aggressive boys. I hate boys who think the world owes them something. I hate boys who have the audacity to think that triggering someone's PTSD is fucking funny. I would rather go live with my fucking dad. At least then someone (my mom) would have the balls to say something. Fuck you, ____. Fuck you for letting this boy fuck up your mental stability that you and I worked SO FUCKING HARD on leveling out. Fuck you for letting him put his hands on you and your child. Fuck you, ____. Fuck you for making me feel like shit because I want to hang out with friends. Fuck you for begging me to move there because you "need" me. Fuck you for moving there in the first place. I told you he was abusive. My mum, the lady who literally has been married to an abusive ASSHOLE for almost 30 years, told you that him "being a dick" was the start of abuse. Literally you're so fucking smart. Why the fuck. Fuck you, ____ for even THINKING of asking me to get a place with a guy who calls me a crackwhore because "her reaction is funny", jokes about raping girls, and is physically abusive to you. Fuck you, ____ for telling me that if he does some shit while I'm down there visiting you for your birthday to not hurt him. I will hurt him. I will stab him in the face and I will not apologize for it. Fuck you. Fuck you for expecting me to move away from my family and friends and my boyfriend to live with a guy who abuses my best friend and makes me physically ill every time I talk to him. I get it, ____. You love him, or whatever. I cannot and I will not put myself in that situation again. I got away from my rapist and my abusive dad and Andrew and Dylan and I will not put myself anywhere near that kind of situation again. i couldn't leave here even if i fucking wanted to. the last time i was over two hours away my dad got physical with my mum. he won't go near her or Justin if im close. i cant risk that. (the only time he's ever gotten physical w my mum I threw a knife at him and the only reason it didn't hit him was bc my mum pushed him through the fucking door to protect him. i guess a broken arm full of glass shards is a better story than "14 year old kills her father" huh?) (also little brother is basically my child considering my dads an alcoholic and my mum worked 24/7 when i was kid so guess who grew up literally raising a kid two years younger than her??? hahahahahah me.) i get it. all your friends and family you could easily leave behind. i cant leave my mum and brother like that. i can't leave Xander at all ever. if my bestfriend kills himself while im in another state because his dad died and he lost both his parents, youre going to find me bled out on the bathroom floor. i get that you miss me, but i can't fuck up my schooling or my therapy and i can't just whimsically move like you did. i fucking cant. fuck you for thinking i can.